I'm so glad I'm no longer 5

Science has ruined me. Let me rephrase that. Microbiology has ruined me. I baby sat yesterday and within the first 5 minutes of being in this room full of small children a little girl wanting to share her cookie with me stuck her whole fist in my mouth.  My outward reaction was fine and we went on playing but my mind said, "FECAL-ORAL ROUTE!!! FECAL-ORAL ROUTE!!!! Poop. Poop. She probably just put poop in my mouth. Where have her hands been she’s like 2?!  I’m going to get a parasite. Great." And then I envision the E.Coli laughing at me and resign myself to the fact that in 30 minutes I'll be violently retching burritos.

I wonder if a similar thought process keeps some people from liking dogs...

I'm pretty sure this is how my dad views my dog on occasion

For all you dog haters out there let's not even get started about how bunnies and mice have to eat their poop once to fully digest any of their food. Once you come to realize that everything is probably covered in something horrible and everyone is gross you just kind of let it go.

I do love babysitting little children if only for the sole reason that I get to play like I have always wanted to play and not get judged for it. Every time my little group of kids wanted water we would play secret ninja and pretend we were on a mission to get away from the bad guys. Anytime someone walked into the hallway we abandoned the water mission and raced back to home base. After the coast was clear we would quietly try again. Which leads me to something I learned about myself.

Jen Handy Quirk # 294

 

I get along really welly with little boys. Ninja, catch, dinosaur vs jedi warriors, crab soccer, relay races. Help you learn how to do a handstand by holding your feet in the air. I'm all over that. Little girls wouldn't want to play with my because I'm too rowdy. 

Unless of course that little girl is Ariel and likes to scream for fun too!

Being this rambunctious takes a whole lot of energy. I'm just not a crazy 5 year old anymore.  I find it more fun to vacation in a 5 year old world for about an hour than actually being one anyway. I prefer scraping up my heart instead of my knees. (And boy howdy do I know how to scrape up my heart!)I prefer understanding that sometimes things just won't be ok for a while. Because now I understand on my own that there really is someone who loves me so much that he would give me experiences that help me grow. I believe in a God who loves me. I know he is real because he has answered my awkwardly worded prayers. I know he loves me because he informs me when I'm being stupid and when I know better. He also knows how to teach me to let go of my pain when I need to forgive someone. Today was a wonderful Sunday. We sang my favorite hymn and it took me back. 

With the first verse I was back on that overcast fall day in Salt Lake City 2008.

I believe in Christ; he is my King!
With all my heart to him I’ll sing;
I’ll raise my voice in praise and joy,
In grand amens my tongue employ.
I believe in Christ; he is God’s Son.
On earth to dwell his soul did come.
He healed the sick; the dead he raised.
Good works were his; his name be praised.

I was on the right side of the funeral parlor near a stained glass window.

I believe in Christ; oh blessed name!
As Mary’s Son he came to reign
’Mid mortal men, his earthly kin,
To save them from the woes of sin.
I believe in Christ, who marked the path,
Who did gain all his Father hath,
Who said to men: “Come, follow me,
That ye, my friends, with God may be.”

I remember thinking that I was too young to be saying goodbye and to be wondering if I really had a testimony of what happened after we die. 

I believe in Christ—my Lord, my God!
My feet he plants on gospel sod.
I’ll worship him with all my might;
He is the source of truth and light.
I believe in Christ; he ransoms me.
From Satan’s grasp he sets me free,
And I shall live with joy and love
In his eternal courts above.

And then every memory of Mike Hess passed through my mind. And as I sang I felt the conviction of those words in that hymn. I felt that I would not give up because I knew-I knew that this was true. God would not forsake us. There was a purpose behind death and there was a purpose behind pain. We had to learn how to feel. We had to learn how to love. And we had to learn to turn back to God and lean on him.

I believe in Christ; he stands supreme!
From him I’ll gain my fondest dream;
And while I strive through grief and pain,
His voice is heard: “Ye shall obtain.”
I believe in Christ; so come what may,
With him I’ll stand in that great day
When on this earth he comes again
To rule among the sons of men.

By this time I was avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room because my mind and heart were not focused on making announcements in relief society. I was looking upon a memory with the Savior by my side reminding me of a promise I made to him that come what may I would always stand with him no matter what I went through. And today I needed that. Out of three hours of church all it took was one hymn to bring back a rush of memories of testimony and conviction.

God reminded me today that he loves me and knows me very personally. One day when I see him again I will find great comfort in being able to see myself as he does and having all the weaknesses put into perspective. 

"True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us.

We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it.

Oh, it is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves us—even with all our flaws! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves, He never will.

We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won’t, for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming." Elder Wirthlin Oct 2007

I know God never gives up on us. I'm awkward and shy. I could list a whole boat load of weaknesses I have. But I am not discouraged for long Because I matter to God.  And he reminds me that everyday. Sometimes all it takes is a hymn. 

Dad, when you read this, could you do me a favor and write down 5 good things that happened to you today? I don't mean to make our bigger problems seem insignificant but I promise that once you open your heart to seeing God in your life you won't find it so hard to turn to him. He really is always there.And one day it really will be ok.

 

Oh and don't worry Pops, I'm doing all right. And as far as my dating life goes? Seducing them with my awkwardness as always ;-) Don't you worry. 

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Speaking of no longer being 5- I'm going to start graduate school this week in order to become a high school chemistry teacher....because I'm insane. And a little bit of a masochist. Wish me luck!

I'm well aware that this is math and not science. But that last dance move could totally be a globular protein!

I personally think you should be more afraid for the students but...whatever.