Maybe I’m just shortsighted or maybe it’s because I’m only 23, but I haven’t really analyzed my life for deep lessons learned. Most of the lessons I’m learning I’m currently in the middle of. So, I’m going to take you guys on a trip with me. I promise it will end well.
I joined the church when I was 16 without really knowing anything about the Mormon religion up to the point of my discussions with the missionaries. I recall feelings extremely inadequate compared to members who had been in the church their whole lives. I knew nothing. I felt sad whenever I was left out because I had never been to primary or I didn’t have all the hymns memorized. All the youth were already friends and I was so intimidated by them. But with the convincing of my bishop, the ward mission leader, and the elders I decided to go to Young Women’s. The fact that I knew nothing became more apparent around these youth but that is when I decided that enough was enough. I began to read the New Era online all the time. I dreamed of being like the people in those stories. The people of Ammon were my heroes. When I was introduced to personal progress I was told it would be ok if I didn’t finish it. By that time I was 17. Even though I was looking into college at the time I thought to myself- I am not missing out on one more thing. I worked so hard to finish personal progress. I know I’m the person I am today because of it. It gave me everything my testimony needed to be nurtured. I went to youth conference full of zeal. I reread my journal entries and I wrote down everything that was new to me…which was everything. I went to my first girl’s camp a few months after being baptized. My friends decided I needed to attend the temple in Houston and I received my first limited use recommend in 2004. I remember staying up late doing homework and waking up 3 hours later to go to seminary my senior year. I attended mutual and eventually people began to think I had been a member my whole life.
How was I able to do all of these things when I knew so little to begin with? Looking back I can see that it was most certainly not a talent or strength I had. There was plenty to be afraid of. I was painfully shy and insecure. My family didn’t like when I did church things and told me about their disapproval often. It was the choice I made that empowered me. I chose to listen to the faith I had developed in my Heavenly Father. I chose to believe that he was really watching over me. I didn’t look back. I only moved forward with faith.
Sometimes life overwhelms me to the point where I lose my ability to act and I become paralyzed with fear. It is easy to give into fear. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like you gave in. It feels more like you were robbed.
Last September I was hit by a car while biking home from school. I had just sped up down a hill so the impact was pretty significant but a couple girls helped walk me home and I was in shock but I thought I was fine. Time helped me to realize I was not fine. My short and long term memory took a major blow from my concussion that lasted for a long time. It was physically painful to think and other health problems followed that weren’t so visible. All these things happened during a critical time in my life when I was supposed to be preparing for graduation and graduate school. Things did not go as I had planned however. It seemed like all my dreams were slipping through my fingers including graduating from college. While I felt I was losing my mind many things fell away from my life. I couldn’t remember appointments I had made and I needed so much sleep that I couldn’t make it to class. I began to just give up and think “well, maybe this is how things are just going to be.” It was easy to justify not doing things. Since I didn’t expect anything from myself other people began to not expect anything from me either. I moved home dejected and hopeless. I felt like a failure and I thought I had nothing left to contribute. But like I said before, I can be very short sighted.
While I was here I was given callings that allowed me to work very hard in the ward. I began to see needs and realize I could do something about them. I chose not to allow my health problems to bring me down anymore and I rejoiced in the progress I made. There were many fears that came up: maybe I would relapse. Maybe I wasn’t healing like I thought I was and I would just fall on my face. But what is the benefit of listening to these thoughts? I learned how to choose to have faith. When I put forth the mental effort of casting out these fears my faith flourishes. Fears don’t matter because I trust God. He knows my fears are real but I can reject them and choose faith.
How many times have I allowed things to get out of hand because I thought I had no control over the situation? The beautiful reality is that I can pick myself up and try again. You may think there is nothing you can control in your personal circumstances. This just isn’t true. There is so much power inside of you. Choose to forgive and choose not to be angry. Choose to have faith that God knows what He is doing and has prepared a way when He asks us to do these things.
I get caught up from time to time thinking can I really do this? God believes in me. That is really all that matters.
And thus we see from my life, that God never gives up on you. You are given infinite chances to get back up and try again. We also see that you have the ability to choose to get back up. Give into self pity but it is not as fulfilling as choosing faith. It isn’t fulfilling because doubts are crippling. Choose to believe in God and his mercy and you will never be a failure. You don’t need to be a victim of your circumstances.
God believes in you and He loves you. Choose to stand up again.
In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.
